Hardly Wait (+ My Voice on Youtube)
|How the process starts – a pencil and a piece of paper|
Maggie opened the thick curtains and tried to look beyond the buildings and the trees, then she thought about him. She sipped some water from the glass on the windowsill and wondered what was he doing, where the sky was like a movie screen instead.
You know I love to think about you, in your rivetingly repetitive routine – all in one with your private frame of nature, or simply playing with your dark yellow pencil on a piece of paper, randomly grabbed from under your favorite book.
In that exact moment Maggie wished she was older. Way older, not just a couple of years like when you are fifteen pretending to be twenty-five. She wanted to be old to biologically embody the lifestyle she was committing herself to, after years of danger and too much.
In order to get some kind of relief from the feeling of constant despair that always haunted her life, Maggie needed what she liked to call the ‘hospital environment‘ made of simple things and rules to follow.
She could hardly wait to see the finishing line of life reflected in the mirror of her living room, because the unbearable disorder of her mind was just too much – each and every silence was some major relief.
I can see myself in 30 years – she told her man from a distance – and oddly you are still there, with your neurosis and tattoos, with your pain and your unique handsomeness- so frightening and vulnerable at the same time. Just like your art and your philosophy on life.
I wish I had a terrace – but I know it wouldn’t change the essence I am made of.
That’s the way she loved him; purely from far away and dirty in his bed. Like a daughter loves her father and like a geisha loves her master. Like a hostage loves the captor, and like a slave secretly loves the torture.
She loved him, just like a woman loves her man.
He was somehow her silence, and together the noise she needed to create.
Below a short spoken excerpt from my novel The Sex Girl (For a Dose of Love) – so you can finally hear my voice – work with me here, and pretend you couldn’t sleep without!